


The Merthur Diaries

by AlbusGellertAlways



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Diary/Journal, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-08-05 00:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16357493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbusGellertAlways/pseuds/AlbusGellertAlways
Summary: Merlin and Arthur write about certain events in their lives and their growing attraction for each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur and Merlin's first meeting, from their perspectives.

Disclaimer: Merlin is not mine.

A/N:  I've added some extra details that could've happened 'off camera'.  I'm trying to make it as canon compliant as possible.  First person isn’t my strong suit, so we’ll see what happens.  Happy reading!  
.~.  
  
The Merthur Diaries

.~.  
  
Entry 1

 _Dear Diary,_  
  
_I feel really stupid writing this down, but Gaius suggested I keep a diary so when I'm gone people can read their king's brilliant thoughts.  That sounded good to me, so here we are._  
  
_Today I met the most infuriating boy.  He told me his name – it was Marvin or something ridiculous like that.  He approached me when I was in the middle of target practice with my servant, Morris.  I'll admit, I was showing off to my friends when I asked my servant for moving target practice._  
  
_This boy seemed to be worried about Morris' safety and told me to leave him alone.  Obviously he didn't know who I was, and that Morris was in no danger as my knife throwing skills are impeccable._  
  
_Then he had the gall to call me an ass.  No one disrespects the prince and gets away with it!  Then I saw the defiance in his eyes, which intrigued me.  Perhaps there was something more to this boy than I'd originally thought.  He was beautiful, in an odd way._  
  
_Naturally, the next words out of my mouth were ‘do you know how to walk on your knees?’  I had an odd fantasy of Marvin whatever-his-name-was on his knees before me, in a very different situation.  I imagined those blue eyes coyly looking up at me while his full lips were wrapped around my... well._  
  
_This train of thought gave me pause because I rarely had thoughts about men.  Still, it aroused me to think of putting this insolent boy in his place.  He would make an interesting notch in my bedpost.  Then the boy had the audacity to challenge me.  A few seconds later, I had him in a hold with his arms twisted behind him.  I knew I had to let go of him, but a part of me didn’t want to._  
  
_Then I told Marvin (or was it Merlin?) that I could put him in jail for his actions and informed him of my princely title.  I thought that would make him cower in fear, but it did the opposite.  He spouted some drivel about how I needed to set a good example for the rest of my people._  
  
_Then I jokingly hit on him, which backfired spectacularly.  The boy said that he wouldn't be someone's one-night stand, not even if they were the prince.  I couldn't remember the last time someone had turned me down.  Clearly the boy's mind is afflicted._  
  
_I plan to seek him out again tomorrow.  One never knows where this might lead._  
  
_-Arthur, Prince of Camelot_  


Entry 2  
  
_Dear Diary,  
  
I saw him again!  My friends and I - actually my followers - went out into the marketplace where we found Merlin.  What a stupid name.  It goes along with his stupid ears and stupid face that I desperately wanted to kiss.    
  
I asked him how his knee-walking was coming.  This time he called me a _royal _ass.  The nerve!  Threats were made and suddenly I was chasing him all around the marketplace._  
  
_I have to admit, Merlin held his own for longer than I expected before I triumphed over him with a broom of all things.  Merlin glared up at me, clearly expecting a punishment.  Instead, I ordered my men to let the idiot go with Gaius.  Before he left, Merlin gave me a nod of thanks and we stared at each other for just a moment too long.  There’s just something about him…_  
  
_I can only conclude from his actions today that Merlin wants me._  
  
_-Arthur_

 

Entry 3

  
_Dear Diary,_  
  
_Morris quit.  He claimed I was abusing my position as his master.  Imagine that!  The nerve of him.  Father said he'd find me a better manservant this time.  I hope he's not a complete idiot._  
  
_In later news, Merlin saved my life, and I grudgingly admit I owe him a great debt.  Then Father decided to make him my new manservant as a reward.  I've learned the hard way that one should never get involved with one's servants, so pursuing Merlin was out of the question._  
  
_How am I supposed to resist him if he's to follow me around all day?_  
  
_Fuck._  
  
_-Arthur_  
  
.~.

Entry 1

  
_Dear Diary,_  
  
_Today I met the most pretentious ass!  I tried to save this poor boy from being bullied by_ an ( _admittedly gorgeous) young man.  For all my troubles, I found myself humiliated when the man easily overpowered me.  In my anger, I'd forgotten I couldn't use the full scope of my magic.  If I'd had that, the man wouldn't have stood a chance._  
  
_Then he informed me he was Prince Arthur Pendragon.  I was not impressed.  In my experience, elitist jerks are all the same.  They think that because they are part of the nobility that they can lord over the rest of us.  I don’t agree and will resist that notion whenever I have the chance._

_Standing up to Prince Arthur gave me a heady rush.  I had a strange fantasy of what it would be like if the prince was to lord over me in bed.  I blushed spectacularly, and I think Arthur read my mind.  He gave me a filthy wink and asked if someone as lowly as me would like to spend a night in his bed.  I gave him a vehement no, informing him that I'd rather die before I'd let that happen._

_Not true.  In the right circumstances, I might consider it.  He is the most beautiful man I've ever seen, and I can't help but be drawn to him.  Perhaps instead I should put spoiled prince in his place.  I would get much pleasure out of doing so, should the opportunity arise.  I could do it too if I could openly practice magic._  
  
_As if I didn't have enough to worry about with the ban on magic, now I need to avoid Prince Arthur.  Why is my life so complicated?_  
  
_-Merlin_

 

Entry 2  
  
_Dear Diary,  
  
Tonight I saved Prince Arthur's life from an evil sorceress.  I magically slowed time and pushed the prince out of the way of the dagger she'd hurled at him.  Even though Arthur was clearly shaken, I still didn't get a thank you.  I tell you, the posh types are all the same.  
  
As a reward for saving his son, the king appointed me as Arthur's manservant, so now avoiding Arthur is out.  How am I supposed to resist him if I'm to bathe and undress him every single day?  
  
Fuck.  
  
-Merlin  
  
_.~.  
  
_The King’s Chambers_

_Present Day_

"I can't believe we got each other the same thing!" Merlin exclaimed as he held up Arthur's diary.  
  
"I'm as surprised as you are," said Arthur, pulling Merlin into his strong embrace as he set the diaries aside.  "We both wrote about the day we first met and beyond."  
  
"I've only read a few pages of yours," said Merlin.  "I want to read them slowly and savor each entry."  
  
"Much like our relationship, then," said Arthur, settling into their bed.  "We can read more tomorrow."  Then he yawned and placed a gentle kiss on Merlin’s lips.  "Happy first Anniversary, love."  
  
"May there be many more to come," Merlin replied as he burrowed under the covers, safe in Arthur's strong arms.

.~.

The End

A/N:  Comments are great!  If you want me to continue with more diary entries I think I will.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur secretly admire and lust after each other.

Disclaimer;  Merlin is not mine.

A/N: Thanks for all the comments and kudos!  I’ve decided to add more.  Enjoy!

.~.

Entry 4  
  
_Dear Diary,_  
  
_I can't stop thinking about Merlin.  Although I call him an_ idiot _every chance I get, I know he's not.    Not just anyone could be Gaius' apprentice.  Somehow Merlin has endeared himself to the sometimes-cantankerous elderly physician._  
  
_Not only that, Merlin has quickly made many friends in the two months that he's resided in Camelot.  Whether they're a laundrymaid or one of the knights, Merlin has charmed them all.  It seems so effortless to him, making a connection with all those he meets.  I sure as hell can't do that._  
  
_Everyone adores Merlin.  They speak of his kindness, his willingness to help or listen or solve whatever problem needs solving.  I'm sure he has suitors queuing up for him, but I don't want to think about that, lest I throw one of my valuables across the room._  
  
_I wish I could be more like Merlin.  I have no friends, only servants, nobles who might be plotting my death so it's beneficial to them, and knights who fear me.  Morgana thinks I'm an annoyance and Father thinks I'm a disappointment.  Just once I'd like someone to be brave enough to cut through my layers of bullshit to become my friend.  I know that_ princes _aren't supposed to want to have friends, but this one does._  
  
_I wish Merlin was my friend but I'm sure I'm too much of an asshole for him to bother.  I'm really starting to like him, maybe even… no.  I desire him, nothing more.  My lust has only grown the more time we spend together.  I wish I could tell him that I want him but it could never be.  So I suffer in silence and go after women.  That's what a good future king does, right?_  
  
_-Arthur_  
  
.~.

  
Entry 4  
  
_Dear Diary,  
  
I can't stop thinking about Arthur.  He's really changed in the few months I've lived in Camelot.  He's kinder to the servants, he's standing up to his father, and he hasn't thrown me in the stocks recently.  Best of all, he’s taking responsibility for his words and his actions.  I'd like to think the change is due to my presence but that's probably not the case.    
  
I don't think I've made a lasting impression with Arthur.  I'm just good for the butt of his jokes.  However, I feel privileged to catch a glimpse of Arthur-the-person, as opposed to Arthur-the-prince.  He sheds much of his princely persona around me while we're alone in his chambers.  That must mean something, right? Perhaps he trusts me more than I realize, although that could just be wishful thinking.  
  
One of the many things that amaze me about Arthur is that he can assume his princely facade within seconds.  I know he's been trained to do so all his life, but it still impresses me that he can almost instantly transform right before my eyes into the strong leader that Camelot needs.  
  
When Arthur steps into the public eye, everyone respects him, especially his knights.  I can tell that they would follow him anywhere, even into battle.  Even the servants are starting to respect him now that he's learned their names and doesn't order them needlessly around. (Although Arthur still does that to me, mostly for his amusement.  I don't always comply.)  
  
I wish I could command respect like Arthur, but no one would ever consider me as a leader.  I know I would be respected (and possibly revered!) if I could use my magic, but that can never happen.  For now, I must play the witless servant, running after Arthur and seeing to the prince's every need.  
  
I wish I could serve Arthur in the most intimate of ways, but I know he wouldn't want me like that.  Arthur is so blindingly beautiful, he could have anyone he wants.  I just wish he'd want _me _.  I'll continue to protect him from afar with my magic and carefully guard my secrets._  
  
_I want so badly to tell Arthur about my magic and my undying love for him but that can never be.  I will bury my true feelings deep down and pretend my heart's not breaking when I see Arthur flirting with a woman.  I must focus only on protecting Arthur and ignore the festering hole in my chest when he tells me about his latest conquest.  That's what a good warlock would do, right?_  
  
_-Merlin_

.~.

End Chapter 2

A/N:  Comments and kudos are appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite their abysmal start, Merlin and Arthur's feelings deepen into friendship.

Disclaimer:  Merlin isn't mine.

A/N:  Thanks for all the comments and kudos!

.~.

Chapter 3

.~.

 

 _Entry 5_  
  
 _Dear Diary,_  
  
 _I know it's been a while since I've written. I've been rather busy.  Here's a Merlin update.  Merlin and I have an unfortunate - or fortunate, depending on how you look at it -_ habit _of saving each other's lives.  It all started with that fateful day Merlin saved me from 'Lady Helen's dagger.  Then he drank poison for me and I had to go and find that bloody flower to save his life.  I almost got killed several times on that quest - I hope he appreciates all I do for him._  
  
 _But this last time, I really owe him.  I almost drowned in a lake due to Lady Sophia's lust enchantment.  I remember sinking below the water, knowing my armor would never allow me to swim up to safety.  I was certain in that moment that I would die and never get to be king.  Things are a bit muddy from there but I vaguely recall Merlin swimming down to save me.  Somehow, the idiot dragged me out of the water and on to the riverbank._  
  
 _It should be impossible for someone as scrawny as Merlin to manage such a feat but I suppose it doesn't really matter how it happened.  After I came to my senses, Merlin went off on me trusting someone I barely knew like Sophia.  He then had the nerve to suggest that I was thinking with my 'little head'.  I was so relieved to be alive, to see Merlin again, that I let that comment slide._  
  
 _I can hardly believe it after our rocky start, but Merlin is becoming a friend, just as I secretly wished.  Over the past few months, he has broken his way through my carefully crafted defenses.  I actually look forward to him waking me up, not that I'd ever tell him that.  (If Merlin learned that, he'd never shut up about it.) I look forward to his useless prattle on hunting trips.  I enjoy showing off for him during training.  I even appreciate his advice - sometimes.  I know_ princes _aren't supposed to have friends, but this one wants - needs - a friend.  I think I've finally found that in Merlin._  
  
 _Now that I'm friends with Merlin, I've got a tight reign on my lust for him.  I don't want to risk our friendship for a night of pleasure.  I've never had a friend before and I don't want to fuck it up.  This is unusual for me, as I always just take what I want, providing the person is willing. But there's something special about Merlin.  I don't want to use my position as_ prince _to take advantage of him.  Merlin is so innocent in these matters.  It's rather adorable watching him fend off advances from some of the maids.  I wonder if he's still a virgin.  I haven't asked because I'm not sure if I really want to know._  
  
 _.~._  
  
 _In later news, I've tried to make it with three women this week, but I could never finish it because I couldn't stop thinking of Merlin.  Guess I'm not doing so well with keeping a tight rein on my lust.  I just can't help but want to jump him all the time.  It's very frustrating._  
  
 _-Arthur_

_.~._

 

 _Entry 5_  
  
  
 _Dear Diary,_  
  
 _When Arthur brought back the flower saved me from the poison, Gwen kissed me - on the lips.  Ick!  How I wish it had been Arthur instead.  The next day I took Gwen aside and told her that while I was flattered, I was only interested in men and could you please not tell anyone that.  She blushed but said she understood and that she'd keep my secret._  
  
 _My feelings for Arthur are still as strong as ever but I've tempered my lust with a strong dose of friendship.  Against my original judgment, Arthur has become my a friend.  I know he'd never admit to it in a million years, but I feel he's my friend even if I am not his.  He shares a lot with me, even personal information about his father and Morgana.  He lets his guard down around me when we're alone and says what's on his mind, courtly manners be damned.  The other day he even took my advice.  It was only to wear the red shirt instead of_ t _he brown shirt, but it's a start!_  
  
 _I look forward to our nights together.  Not like that!  I just like helping him relax.  I'll draw his bath and discreetly use magic to warm the water.  Then I'll duck behind the privacy screen until Arthur's lower half is submerged in the tub.  Then I try not to stare at his bare chest, but it's hard not to.  Arthur has sculpted abs, a result of all that hard training.    He's so beautiful sometimes I have to turn away, lest he_ see _the lust residing in my eyes.  Then, if he's had a particularly hard day training, I'll massage the knots out of his back.  This is a perfectly innocent reason for touching Arthur and I offer to do it often.  I can't get enough of Arthur._  
  
 _I can't help but wonder if there's a chance that Arthur might want me back.  I've never noticed Arthur taking an interest in men, so I'm pretty certain my advances would not be welcomed.  That's not something I'm willing to risk our friendship for.  But I still can't help but hope, even if that hope is a fool's hope._  
  
 _-Merlin_


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer:  Merlin is not mine.

A/N: Thanks for the comments and kudos!   Also, if you live in the US, please remember to VOTE!  Your voice matters.

.~.

Chapter Four

.~.  
  


 _Dear Diary,_  
  
 _I've been hiding you inside the false bottom of my wardrobe.  I had to find a better hiding place because Merlin found you under my bed last week right before I was supposed to bathe.  I yelled at him to give it to me and to get out.  I hope he's forgotten all about it and that he doesn't search for it.  It would be a disaster if Merlin found it.  He can never know how I truly feel._  
  
 _This is my confession: I want Merlin all the time.  It's maddening.  When he's there during training, I get distracted, making little mistakes that I wouldn't normally if my focus was sharp.  I think the men have noticed but they are too polite - or scared of me - to mention it._  
  
 _I live for the mornings and evenings when he dresses and undresses me.  Merlin makes fun of me for still wanting him to dress me, after all this time, claiming I can't dress_ myself _.  I'll gladly keep up that farce if it means I get to have his hands on me twice a day._  
  
 _I can't stop staring at him when he's not looking.  I think it's starting to become noticeable._  
  
 _Morgana took me aside today and told me to 'stop pining and just tell him already'.  I, of course, played dumb.  Morgana rolled her eyes and flounced away, muttering something about infuriating, oblivious men._  
  
 _I often think back to our fateful first meeting.  When I first met Merlin, I immediately wondered what it would be like to bed him.  I wanted to put him in his place, to sweetly 'punish' him for his impertinent remarks about me.  But over time, I've wondered what it would be like to make love to him.  I couldn't simply slake my lust, Merlin's too beloved for... Shit.  Beloved?  Where did that come from?!  I have half a mind to burn this damn diary.  Merlin, what have you done to me?_  
  
 _-Arthur_

 

_.~._

  
  
_Dear Diary,_   
  
_I'm keeping you under the loose floorboard below my bed, where I also keep my spell-book.  Luckily no one has found you and you still guard my darkest secrets._   
  
_In other news, I'm getting clumsier than usual.  It's not my fault!  Arthur is always on my mind.  I can't stop gazing at him during meals and during training and during our evenings together and.. actually it's all the time.  Even Gaius has noticed._   
  
_Yesterday Gaius sat me down to talk.  During the most embarrassing discussion of my life, he warned me not to give in to my amorous feelings.  I pretended to be oblivious but Gaius gave me the eyebrow of doom and I confessed everything.  Gaius says it's too dangerous, that if I became involved with Arthur it would be much more difficult to hide my magic.  I begrudgingly agreed.  If I was caught and had to leave Camelot, who would protect Arthur?  I can't risk it, however much I want to._   
  
_When I first met Arthur, I wondered what it would be like if we kissed.  That quickly progressed to wondering what it would be like if I spent the night in his bed.  Would he be an attentive lover or would he simply take what he wanted?  Would he assert his dominance or would he let me assert mine or both? Would he let me spend the night next to him warm in his bed?  If so, could I avoid the 'walk of shame' the next morning since as Arthur's servant I had a good reason to be in his room?_   
  
_What has he done to me?  Am I to secretly pine away for Arthur for the rest of my days?  Because, after knowing him and foreseeing all that he can become, no one else could come close to him._   
  
_I wish I could tell Arthur how precious he is to me, but if I did so he would just laugh and call me an idiot.  Or worse, he might sack me.  I will bury my feelings deep down and pray that one day he might actually want me back._   
  
_-Merlin_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur kisses Merlin and freaks out about it.

Disclaimer:  Merlin is not mine.

A/N:  Thanks for the comments and kudos!  This is so fun to write!!!

_.~._

_Chapter Five_

_.~._

  
  
_Dear Diary,_   
  
_Today Arthur kissed me in a deserted alcove close to his chambers.  In that one glorious moment, Arthur made all my fantasies come true.  This has been one of the worst days of my life.  I know - you'd think Arthur kissing me is a good thing, right?  Wrong._   
  
_After a few moments of bliss, Arthur pulled away.  To my absolute horror, he declared that this was a mistake.  Arthur claimed that he knew that someone like me would settle for nothing less than a relationship between us.  He said he wouldn't be able to give me all that I deserved and that it was best to pretend that nothing had happened.  That is something I'm not sure I can do._   
  
_I can't erase the memory of our lips fused together, Arthur's tongue swiping against mine.  For one joyous moment, I thought that Arthur loved me as much as I loved him, that the kiss was proof of that.  But I was proven wrong.  I'm not enough for Arthur.  He made that perfectly clear._   
  
_I'll just go nurse my broken heart in my tiny room and try to distract myself by learning new spells._ _It won't work._   
  
_How am I'm supposed to act like nothing has happened, that all we are to each other are friends?  I wish Arthur had never kissed me.  Then I wouldn't be feeling like this.  The worst part is that I know I'll never stop loving him.  Oh, I might move on eventually and find someone else but Arthur will always be THE ONE._   
  
_I can't believe this is my life.  What did I do to deserve this torture?_   
  
_Fuck._   
  
_-Merlin_   
  
_.~._   
  
_Dear Diary,_   
  
_Today my resolve broke and this morning I kissed Merlin as a result of watching Sir Lionel blatantly flirting with him.  I pulled Merlin into an alcove near my chambers and for the first time, I didn't hold myself back.  We had a few moments of passionate bliss before I ended it.  I knew that I needed to stop this before it got out of hand.  I can't take advantage of Merlin like that._   
  
_Why? Because Merlin is the kind of person that it's all or nothing.  He'd want to be in a relationship.  I can't give him that, can't give him anything long term.  I couldn't even promise that I'd be faithful for more than a few days!  So I had to be cruel to be kind._   
  
_I hate how devastated he looked after I told him we would never work out.  He means so much to me.  I'll never forgive myself for hurting him.  That one kiss will always haunt me._   
  
_How can I carry on this way?_   
  
_Fuck._   
  
_-Arthur_   
  
_.~._   
  
_Dear Diary,_   
  
_It's been three days since Merlin and I kissed.  As a result, things are terribly awkward between us.  It's not as easy as I thought to pretend like it never happened.  I hate it.  I want our easy friendship back.  It's also hard watching Merlin act like I kicked his favorite puppy, knowing it was my fault for hurting him._   
  
_Then I got to thinking.  Maybe I should give Merlin a chance?  Maybe I could be faithful to him.  Just because I've never done it before doesn't necessarily mean I can't.  I've never backed down from a challenge before.  Merlin will definitely be a challenge and it's possible we won't work out.  But don't I owe it to him to try?_   
  
_I can stay faithful if I want to, right?  Merlin is special and I don't want to hurt him.  That should be motivation enough to stay faithful._   
  
_I think I'll tell him tomorrow, although I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to try again._   
  
_Wish me luck!_   
  
_-Arthur_


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur banishes Merlin from Camelot. Angst ensues.

Disclaimer: Merlin is not mine.

A/N:  So I’ve got a new obsession now that I saw Fantastic Beasts 2: The Crimes of Grindelwald!  I’ve always been a huge Harry Potter fan so it was amazing to delve back into that universe where there is an actually canon gay ‘relationship-ish’ between Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald when they were teenagers.  JKR herself confirmed that Dumbledore was gay.  It’s just kinda cool to write a gay pairing that was in the original material.  I don’t want to give any major spoilers but Dumbledore did admit to them being ‘more than brothers’, which to me is very telling, especially after a quick scene with the Mirror of Erised.   I hope you’ll check out my Grindeldore fics as well as my Merlin ones, although AD/GG do not have a healthy relationship, considering Grindelwald grows up to be a terrifying villain. 

I think I’ll have to start alternating between fandoms when I post my fics.  And who knows, I might do a HP/Merlin crossover.   There is a Merlin in Harry Potter, after all. 

It’s really funny to be reading a Harry Potter fic when instead of saying ‘God’ the wizards substitute word is ‘Merlin’.   I think Arthur would laugh if he knew about that.  
  
.~.

Chapter Six

  
_Dear Diary,_  
  
_Last entry I told you that was the worst day of my life was three days ago, when Arthur declared that kissing me was a mistake and he broke my heart._  
  
_Wrong again. Today was the worst day of my life._  
  
_It didn't start out that way.  When I arrived at Arthur's chambers with his breakfast, he apologized for his earlier behavior in regards to pushing me away.  That's right, you heard correctly - Arthur gave me an apology.  Then he informed me that he'd like to give us a shot if I was still willing.  Arthur claimed that he could be faithful to me, that he would never want to hurt me, that he would regret it if he didn’t follow his heart._  
  
_I tearfully nodded and choked out a 'yes'.  How could Arthur think I could ever refuse him?  Arthur gave me this blinding grin causing me to shiver.  How I wanted him!_  
  
_Then Arthur confessed that he'd wanted me for a long time.  I countered his statement, saying that instead of talking about it, he should do something about it._  
  
_Needing no more encouragement, Arthur gently pulled me to him and affixed his lips to mine.  It was absolutely heaven.  It just felt right, you know?  Then Arthur's tongue swiped across my bottom lip and I obediently opened my mouth._  
  
_One of us groaned as Arthur steered us toward his massive bed, the crimson blankets still haphazardly strewn across it.  He pushed me down on the bed and climbed on top of me.  I got a whiff of his musky scent and I couldn’t swallow down a whimper._  
  
_What happened then I deeply regret.  I'm also not sure why it happened, but the moment I ground my hips against Arthur, my magic exploded.  The bed hovered a few feet above the ground and the fire roared to life.  I imagine my eyes glowed gold, as they usually do when I use magic._  
  
_Arthur rolled away from me, his expression full of terror as he scrambled to his feet.  I tried to apologize and explain what had happened, but he ran from the room before I could get the chance._  
  
_Now I have no clue what will happen to me.  I doubt Arthur will sentence me to death, but you never know.  Probably I'll be fired and banished, which will be a fate worse than death.  Because if I'm gone, who will protect Arthur?_  
  
_If only I'd kept control of my magic, then I would still have Arthur.   If I hadn’t fucked up, we would still be together.  I’ve never known such despair because I know I’m going to lose him._  
  
_-Merlin_  
  
_.~._  
  
_Dear Diary,_  
  
_Today started wonderfully and quickly spiraled into a disaster._  
  
_What am I going to do?!  Merlin – stupid, beautiful Merlin - has magic!  By law he is to be burned at the stake.  But I could never kill the man I so desperately... care for._

 _I know I must sentence Merlin for his crimes.  I've decided to give him back to Gaius before I decide his fate.  I can't think right now  - it hurts too much._  
  
_I wish Merlin had told me earlier about the magic but I understand why he didn't.  Still it makes me wonder - could Merlin have used his magic to make me fall for him?  I thought my feelings were real, but he could've played me for a fool.  I don't know what to believe right now.  The bottom has dropped out of my world and I don't think I can ever fill it._

 _Merlin, why would you do this to me?_  
  
_-Arthur_

 

 _.~._  
  
_Dear Diary,_  
  
_After having a day to think about it, I have decided to banish Merlin from Camelot.  By using magic, he broke the law and I'm sure today was not the first offense.  I can't overlook that, as much as I’d like to._  
  
_As much as I want to believe Merlin only uses his magic for good, he has given me no reason to trust him.  He lied to me all this time and the fresh wound still smarts.  Merlin managed to keep his secret until we were about to…  I can't think about that right now.  I have too many feelings to sort through._  
  
_What I do know is that even though Merlin betrayed me, I don't want him to be harmed.  If word reached my father of Merlin's sorcery, Merlin would be burned for certain.  I can't let that happen.  I must get him out of Camelot._  
  
_I called Merlin to my rooms and informed him he was banished immediately.  His face fell and he spouted some drivel about not being to protect me if he was banished.  Then he asked where he should go._  
  
_I had a good answer for that.  For his safety, I didn't want anyone to know that I had banished Merlin.  Instead, I concocted a tale that Merlin's mother was gravely ill and that he went home to care for her.  Then, after a week, I'd announce that Merlin had decided to stay in Ealdor indefinitely._  
  
_Merlin agreed to return home but only if I swore not to change my mind and come after him and his mother.  I told him I would never harm Hunith, who was innocent and that going after him would be a waste of time and resources._  
  
_Then I ordered him to get out of my sight.  Merlin once again tried to give me an explanation, but I didn't want to hear it.  I told Merlin I never wanted to see him again, which was bad enough.  I shouldn’t have kept going, but my anger took over.  I told Merlin that I never loved him, that our kisses were a perversion brought on by a love spell Merlin must’ve cast on me._  
  
_Blinking back tears, Merlin promised to leave but not before he left me something.  Upon closer examination, it was a clear pale blue crystal that fit in the palm of my hand.  Merlin said that if I ever needed to contact him, all I had to go was hold the crystal and wish to speak to him._  
  
_I told him the crystal was useless to me, as I'd never want to contact him, but Merlin left the crystal behind anyway.  I threw it across the room and it clattered to a halt underneath my wardrobe._  
  
_A half hour later, I watched Merlin cross the courtyard with nothing but a small pack and a bedroll.  He must've already said goodbye to Gaius.  Merlin crossed the drawbridge and walked away from the city that had been his home for the past year.  Soon he was a tiny speck in the distance before he disappeared from my sight._  
  
_I knew It was too late to go after him and rescind my verdict._  
  
_What have I done?_  
  
_-Arthur_  
  
_.~._

  
  
_Diary Diary,_  
  
_I'm writing from the middle of the woods.  I made camp and a roaring fire with the help of my magic.  I also managed to conjure up a quill and some ink._  
  
_Today has been very difficult.  Arthur banished me.  I've never felt so sick to my stomach than when he doled out that sentence.  It was my worst fear come true.  How could I fulfill my great destiny if Arthur didn’t want me around?_

 _I suppose I should be grateful that he didn't sentence me to the pyre but I never thought Arthur capable of that._  
  
_My heart broke into a thousand pieces when Arthur told me he never loved me, that I had enchanted him without his permission.  It could’ve been said in anger, but it sounded like Arthur truly meant it._  
  
_Before I left, I made him promise not to come after my mother, that I wouldn't go home if he had revenge on me in mind.  He looked hurt that I would dare suggest such a thing, but I kept in mind that he was Uther's son.  There was no telling what Arthur might do, so I had to make him promise._  
  
_Before I fled, I left a crystal behind in case Arthur needed to reach me but I doubt that will happen.  I can't believe I found and lost love so quickly.  It was all my fault for not being able to control my magic.  If I had, Arthur and I would still be together.  I ruined the best thing in my life._  
  
_I'm afraid my new destiny is to pine for Arthur for the rest of my days.  If I only had one more chance to prove to Arthur that my love was true and that my magic was only used for good.  But that will never happen.  I should’ve told him about the magic earlier, but I was a coward._

_I wish I could tell Arthur how much he truly means to me, but now that he knows about my magic, he’d never believe me._

_My mum is going to be so disappointed when I turn up in Ealdor, disgraced.  I just want to curl up into a little ball when I get home an disappear.   I’d give anything not to feel right now.  I just want the pain to stop._

_-Merlin_

_.~._

 

_A/N:  Kudos and comments are great!_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur pine for each other while apart.

Disclaimer: Merlin is not mine.  
  
A/N: This is still a WIP.  Sorry for any confusion, I fixed the tags.  
  
.~.  
  
Chapter 7  
  


_Dear Diary,_  
  
_I arrived in Ealdor six days ago.  The moment I saw my mother, my face crumpled.  Fearing for my life, she pulled me into her arms and asked if Arthur knew about my magic or my feelings.  I was so far gone I didn't even protest when she mentioned my feelings for Arthur._  
  
_As I struggled to get the words out amidst the sobs, I told her that Arthur had found out about my magic but not exactly how that had happened.  I had no desire to mention that we were locked in an intimate position, which triggered it.  I also informed her that Arthur had promised not to come after me, but that I'd been banished from Camelot for life.  My mother sympathized, and made me a hot meal of stew, which helped a tiny bit.  It was good to come home, even under these dire circumstances.  I suppose that's the silver lining to this situation, right?_  
  
_Right away, Mum put me to work on the farm, which was good so I didn't have to think about Arthur too much.  I refused to say anything else to my mother about Arthur, as the wound was much too fresh.  Finally, today I caved and told my mother almost everything, how Arthur was ready to give us a chance but that my magic had ruined it._  
  
_Mum said she thought that Arthur would reconsider my banishment because of his strong feelings for me.  I knew better.  It was probably best I was gone, so I wouldn't have to see Arthur and be reminded of the love that we'd shared.  However my absence from Camelot meant that Arthur was unprotected.  Sure, he had his knights and body guards, but they would be useless against a magical attack._  
  
_I remain Arthur's faithful servant, even if I can't be with him.  I hope for the day that Arthur will contact me with the crystal and ask for me to come home to him._  
  
_-Merlin_  
  
_.~._

  
  
_Dear Diary,_  
  
_I can't believe that Merlin is gone.  I hate that I was the one who sent him away.  He left me no choice, however.  I had to punish him for his crimes, but I was also inadvertently punishing myself.  It's not the same without his chipper smile and endless prattle.  I miss his love and devotion and the way his eyes sparkle when he gets excited about something.  I miss his pep talks.  I miss our banter.  I miss everything about him._  
  
_We had barely begun to explore the passion that had blossomed between us before the idiot revealed his magic.  I'm still reeling from that, and the lies.  I'm not sure how to square with his lies.  Merlin hurt me deeply and my trust in him was shattered.  I'm not sure if that wound can ever mend._  
  
_The knights are complaining behind my back about my sour mood, as I take it out on them during training.  Leon tried to find out what happened to Merlin and I fed him the story about Merlin's ill mother and that he left to care for her.  I wish I didn't have to lie but it can't be helped.  I can't let anyone know the real reason why he's gone._  
  
_I keep thinking about Merlin's magic, how he seemed to use it mainly to keep me safe.  It didn't fit with my father's view of magic users, that they only used their magic for evil.  Even with the magic, was it possible that he was still the same old Merlin, the one who had befriended me and had come to love me?_  
  
_I hope that Merlin never used a love spell to make me fall for him.  In my heart of hearts, I knew he didn't.   I'm certain Merlin doesn't have an evil bone in his body._  
  
_Perhaps I was too harsh on him.  Perhaps I should call him back and keep his secret.  But I'm not quite ready to face him.  I need an excuse to calm him back._  
  
_I wish I had one._  
  
_-Arthur_

_.~._

  
  
_Dear Diary,_  
  
_Morgana told me she had magic, after accidentally setting her bed curtains on fire.  I promised her I'd find her someone to help her learn how to control her magic.  Time for me to use the crystal!  I can't wait to see ~~my love~~ him again._  
  
_-Arthur_

.~.

  
  
End Chapter 7

A/N:  I’ve posted a lot of Dumbledore/Grindelwald oneshots lately (I loved Fantastic Beasts 2!) but I won’t abandon this story.  Still love Merthur!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin returns to Arthur and Camelot.

Disclaimer:  Merlin belongs to the BBC.

A/N:  Thanks for the comments and kudos!   I hope you will check out my Fantastic Beasts stories as well, with a canon gay pairing, Albus Dumbledore/Gellert Grindelwald!  I will still be updating this story, although not quite as frequently. 

.~.

Chapter 8

.~.

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Today Merlin returned to ~~me~~ Camelot.  I stiffly approached him and we nodded in understanding.   Then my resolve broke and I pulled him in for a hug, throwing my arms around him and resting my head on his shoulder.  I’d never seem Merlin look so surprised!  It was heavenly having him back in my arms, even if it was for a few seconds._

_Then I ordered Merlin to accompany to my chambers to return to his duties.  Merlin and I strode side by side as usual.  It was almost as if I’d never banished him._

_Once we entered the privacy of my chambers, I forbade him to speak about his magic to me.  I told him that I wasn’t ready to deal with it, but that I no longer held it against him for lying to me.   Merlin’s face lit up at that, and I knew we’d be alright._

_I hope that Merlin will want to continue our dalliance but I’d understand if he didn’t.  I hurt him deeply and nothing I can say will change that._

_-Arthur_

_.~._

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Arthur has accepted my magic!  Well, only partially because he doesn’t want to talk about it.  But still, it’s progress._

_After Arthur and I got on the same page, he called Morgana to his chambers.  I watched as a tearful Morgana confessed to me that she had magic, that she felt like a monster.  I took her in my arms and tried to soothe her as best I could.  I explained that I had magic and I promised to help her learn to control it.  Then I praised her for being brave enough to confide in Arthur, who then directed her to me._

_Morgana asked what Arthur was going to do about her, since she was technically breaking the law.   Arthur’s expression clouded over for a moment.   Then he informed Morgana that he would do nothing, that he would keep her secret, and mine.   Arthur admitted that he still was fighting a terrible bias against magic, but that he would try to keep an open mind, for us.   He also told Morgana that he didn't believe she was wicked or evil._

_I saw the relief in Morgana's eyes and I knew exactly what she was feeling.   My mother and Gaius had gone out of their way to make sure I knew that there was nothing wrong with me even though most people had a negative bias towards magic.  I had an important responsibility to Morgana, not only to teach her but to help her learn to accept herself and her gift._

_We held a quick impromptu lesson before Morgana left.  I taught her the spell to summon water in case she caused a fire again, which she mastered quite quickly.   She thanked me over and over for helping her and making her feel not so alone.  I’m so glad I could help!_

_It’s good being back.  I quickly fell back into my servant’s role.  It took him a few days, but Arthur is treating me normally again, the way he used to before he found out about the magic.  Even if Arthur never wants to resume our relationship, I’m content to be by his side._

_-Merlin_

_P.S.  That last line is a total lie.  I want Arthur more than ever and if I think about what could’ve been I’ll drive myself mad so I distract myself and don’t think about it._

_.~._

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Now that Merlin is back, I feel whole again.   Well, almost.   A part of me aches for him, to rekindle our short-lived romance.  But I know Merlin – he wouldn’t want that unless we had a conversation about his magic._

_I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t know what I’m scared of, exactly.   I know Merlin would never use his magic to physically hurt me.  But the fact remains, if I let him into my bed, when I’m at my most vulnerable, Merlin could use his magic to take control.  I can’t have that.  Last time that we tried to be intimate, Merlin’s magic exploded.   What if his magic accidentally held me down, kept me from escaping?  I can think of nothing more terrifying.   Is being with Merlin in this way really worth the risk?_

_I’m not certain._

_-Arthur_

_.~._

 

_Dear Diary,_

_I can tell by our close interactions that Arthur still wants me.  A lingering hand on my shoulder, a brush of our hands when I hand him a glass, a whisper in my ear that causes me to shiver.  But he won’t make a move.  I think I know why - my magic._

_I’m not sure what he’s afraid of.  Arthur should know that I’d never use my magic to harm him.  Perhaps he’s wary of having a repeat of the last time we tried to move further.   I think that I’ll have a much better control over my magic now, especially since I know I don’t have to hide it.   But there’s nothing I can do unless Arthur decides to give me another chance._

_I can’t let this rest any longer.   Tonight, I’m going to speak with him about it.  For better or for worse, we must have this conversation.  It’s driving a wedge between us, and I must address it before the wedge becomes a valley too large to cross.    Wish me luck._

_-Merlin_

 

End Chapter 8


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur confesses his worst fear to Merlin concerning Merlin's magic.

Disclaimer: Merlin is not mine.

A/N: I'm bringing this story to a close. All good things must come to an end and my focus has shifted to the magical world of Harry Potter and Dumbledore/Grindelwald, a real canon ship!  I've loved writing so many fics for this fandom and Merthur will always have a special place in my heart. Thanks for all the love and support you've given me over the past few years.

-Spirk

 

.~.

Dear Diary,

Merlin confronted me last night as I was getting ready for bed and asked to talk to me about his magic. I relented, as I knew I couldn't ignore it forever. Merlin explained that he would never use it to hurt me, that he's only used it to protect me and that he will never use it on me without my consent.

I looked into Merlin's earnest blue eyes and I believed him. Then I gave Merlin permission to use his magic around me, but only for little things like lighting a fire. I made him promise not to use any powerful magic unless it was absolutely necessary and only then if he could keep his gift a secret.

Merlin beamed at that and asked a question that I'd yearned to hear since the moment he'd returned. Would I be willing to give us another chance?

I kissed him hard in response, pushing him against the wall for more leverage. Merlin moaned into the kiss and I felt whole again.

Finally!

We ended up on my bed and suddenly I pulled away, not wanting a repeat of last time. After much blundering, I voiced my worry that Merlin's magic would hold me down in bed. Merlin assured me that would never happen, that his powers didn't work that way. He also promised to always let me take the lead, stating that he was more than happy with that dynamic.

With that topic out of the way, Merlin and I resumed our snogging session. We proceeded to rub off on each other and when Merlin came, dazzling gold sparkles encircled our bodies. I felt the warmth of his magic as I came down from my high and I knew there was no place I'd rather be.

-Arthur

 

.~.

 

Dear Diary,

My fantasy finally came true! Last night Arthur accepted my magic AND we got back together. I couldn't be happier. Our reunion kiss was simply magical. There's no other way to put it. His lips on mine had never felt so right! But just when I thought I'd gotten Arthur to trust me, he pulled away. I was alarmed until Arthur explained why he wanted to stop.

Arthur finally got up the courage to tell me why he was so afraid of my magic. Apparently he has a fear of being restrained in bed. Relieved, I explained that I could never lose control of my magic in that way, especially now that I didn't have to hide it. Perhaps one day Arthur will let me take charge in bed, but if that day never comes, I am happy to remain Arthur's servant even in bed.

Before we gave into temptation, Arthur made me promise to keep our relationship hidden from his father. As if I didn't already know that! I was well aware that Uther could have me killed for consorting with his son. A prince and his male servant by law could never lay together. It would be difficult for Arthur and I to restrain ourselves in public, to stop the little touches and glances but for my safety it had to be done. With the possible threat of my death hanging over us, Arthur and I had plenty of motivation to act like just friends outside of Arthur's chambers.

Before we resumed our love-making, Arthur vowed that he would never let me go, that we'd find some way around his duty to beget an heir. That Arthur would defy the rules for me makes me feel loved and cherished and a million other things that I can't think of right now because Arthur is calling me and I can't wait to see what we'll get up to tonight.

Thank you for guarding my thoughts but I doubt I'll need you again.

All my best,

-Merlin

 

A/N:  Thanks again! <3


End file.
